The holiday season has come and gone, passing us by like it does every year while leaving our homes wrecked with enough shredded wrapping paper and gift bags to fill five dump trucks. Our bodies become overwhelmed with the intense and abusive caloric intake of deviled eggs, egg nogg, cookies, apple pies, overcooked turkey, booze, … More A Mad Christmas
The end of October is here and one of the greatest holidays ever invented is upon us. Of course, I’m speaking of Halloween, All Hallows Eve, Samhain, Dia De Los Muertos, The Return of the Great Pumpkin. There are many reasons to be excited for spooky season. Millions of people the world over rejoice the … More A Halloween Disco Story
Since I started my new job a few months ago I’ve had to go back to doing something that everyone hates. Yet everyone in America has no choice but to participate in this soul-sucking task. No, I’m not talking about going to the DMV. This time. I’m talking about commuting in weekday traffic. The traffic … More Traffic Needs An Enema
I went to the grocery store last night to gather the usual apocalypse supplies of almond flour, coconut flour, apple cider vinegar, and jalapeno-flavored pork rinds. As one does. What am I making with that stuff? I could be making Keto bread rolls. I could be recreating a type of industrial-strength spackle used by the … More Grocery Shopping In The Apocalypse
With the recent reports that the US Navy released footage of UFOs, some feel this confirms the existence of aliens. I thought I would write a helpful little guide on the subject. What is a UFO exactly? What is the UFO conspiracy? What kinds of close encounters have folks had with aliens that doesn’t involve … More On UFOs, Close Encounters, and Otters
It seems that this year, 2020, has become like a long game of Apocalypse Jenga. From the beginning of the year, all the way to the present and with each passing month, a new block representing a catastrophic event is pulled from the increasingly teetering tower of the world. In January we may have narrowly … More Apocalypse Jenga
Do you get the feeling that as the days pass during this lockdown, this quarantine and social distancing that we’ve been in, time seems to have sped up? It’s as if each day ends almost as soon as it begins. While staying at home all day, every day, I’ve had plenty of time to workout, … More The Blurring of the Days
One of my first jobs was as a pizza delivery guy. I’m sure some of you are thinking that everyday as a pizza guy is like it is in porn. You know…where the delivery guy shows up to the door and a scantily clad goddess answers the door wearing only a thong made from Red … More The Pizza Conspiracy
An Incredible Madness 