The Pizza Conspiracy

One of my first jobs was as a pizza delivery guy.  I’m sure some of you are thinking that everyday as a pizza guy is like it is in porn.  You know…where the delivery guy shows up to the door and a scantily clad goddess answers the door wearing only a thong made from Red Vines?  She tells you she doesn’t have any money, but if you come inside, you could work “something” out. That “something” usually involves extra sausage.

Let the sexy times ensue.  Am I right? Anyone? I guess you didn’t see that one.

Well, I can assure you this never once happened to me.  Who knew that the world of 1980s porn wasn’t real? They should prepare high school seniors for this reality.  Anyway, I wanted to recount an interesting phenomenon I encountered during several deliveries. It is something both fascinating and somewhat concerning, but not as concerning as devouring three packages of Double-Stuff Oreos in one sitting while watching Meg Ryan movies…not that I would know (he writes with suspicious innocence).

As a pizza delivery person you can get through virtually any form of security.  Just wear your restaurant’s official polo shirt and carry the recognizable red delivery warming bag thing, and you’re in. (Please do NOT try to get through airport security this way.  I’m looking at you, Florida Man).  Allow me to clarify.

My pizza place routinely delivered to a few major hospitals where many of the orders would take me to the ICU, or the Intensive Care Unit.  Not to be confused with the Incestuous Cannibals Union (™). The pizzas I delivered were for family members or patients, and also doctors and nurses ordered as well.  Either way, most people had to pass through a security check to get in. Why? Because the ICU is where the US Government hid the Arc of the Covenant in the 1930s, in some warehouse of endless wooden crates (I may be kidding).

I digress.  My point is, you don’t want some loony tune or Florida Man to just wander into the ICU while people are trying to heal.  Most nights when I had a delivery to the ICU, it would go something like this:

As I walked into the hospital lobby and approached the ICU where a security guard and hospital staff was stationed, there was usually a family member of some kind wanting to get in.

Mother with kids:  “But I want to get in to see my husband. Please!”  The kids are crying for their daddy.

Hospital Staff:  “That’s no problem.  We just need to see some ID, a letter of reference from your husband’s great grandfather, a blood sample, a copy of a Nobel Peace Prize, a zebra, a voodoo doll of yourself as collateral, and a valid credit card in case you want to order any movies while you’re staying with us.”

Mother with kids:  “But why do I need all this?  I’m his wife!”

Hospital Staff:  “Security precautions, ma’am.  We can’t just let anyone inside.  I’m sure you understand.”

This is usually when I would walk up to the ICU door.  The security guard, seeing my polo shirt bearing the restaurant’s logo and the red pizza bag warmer thing, would shout out, “Pizza man!  Let him through!”

The door opened and I was in.  It was that simple. I suspect it’s because everyone loves pizza.  This leads me to what could be a fatal flaw in our airport security system.  If pizza delivery people can access our nation’s hospitals, what’s to keep them from getting into other sensitive areas?  Like Disneyland and Skywalker Ranch?

I can see it now, an evil cabal of greasy college dropouts sitting in a dark, smoke-filled apartment after a game of Magic: The Gathering.  One of them, realizing the power they all share, gives them the idea to change the world. That’s when this X-Files-worthy conspiracy plots to sneak onto our airplanes nationwide, and ensure that airline passengers, for the first time in the history of aviation, have tasty food to eat.

So when next you happen to be at an airport about to fly somewhere, be wary of the person carrying a red pizza warming bag thing, eyes shifting suspiciously.  Your flight that day could end up being delicious.

***Note:  Obviously this story was meant to be humorous, slightly exaggerated, and satirical for comedic effect.  Yes, I was a pizza delivery guy back in the day, and the hospital security checked my receipts to make sure I had legitimate orders before letting me through.  I want to give an extra shout out and salute to our hospital workers, who are on the front lines of the battle against the Coronavirus pandemic. All of them deserve some pizzas!  So I encourage anyone who is able, send some free pizzas to the hospitals for doctors and nurses! One pizza, ten pizzas, anything you can send. And don’t forget to include a big tip for the pizza delivery person!

Also, I think Incestuous Cannibals Union would make a great name for a death metal band.

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