It seems that this year, 2020, has become like a long game of Apocalypse Jenga. From the beginning of the year, all the way to the present and with each passing month, a new block representing a catastrophic event is pulled from the increasingly teetering tower of the world. In January we may have narrowly avoided World War III. In February, all of Australia was on fire. In March, a serious pandemic enveloped the globe. In April, and this may seem like the absolute worst to some people, it became obvious that we began suffering from a worldwide toilet paper shortage.
And just to make things even more interesting, this month Mother Earth stated, “Unleash the Murder Hornets!” Welcome to Level 5 of Jumanji.
With each of these monthly events, a new block is pulled from the bottom of the Jenga stack that is 2020. As another month goes by, the world appears to edge closer and closer to outright apocalypse. Or worse yet: a reunited Milli Vanilli teaming up with Nickelback to form a country music ensemble.
In that light I thought it would be beneficial, if not a little fun, to predict what each of the following months will bring. I’m about to be a “Nostra-dumbass”.
What could be worse than Murder Hornets? Well, June will bring us:
Bazooka Beavers–These furry, buck-toothed balls of death will emerge from their watery dens bearing high-powered rocket launchers. They will enter the suburbs and fire on any Starbucks and taco truck they find, turning them to rubble. They do this simply to deny humans any joy.
But that won’t be as bad because in July, we will be swarmed by:
Dump Truck Ninjas–Roving packs of these black-clad assassins will hijack the nation’s idle dump trucks, and take it upon themselves to patrol the country. The cities will see random dump trucks full of ninjas going up and down the streets, targeting anyone that is not dressed like a 1970s used car salesman. Basically, millennials are fucked.
But this is nothing compared to August. In this hot summer month, we will be inundated with:
Alpaca Tornados–What’s an apocalypse without some alpacas? These alpacas arrive in their delivery vehicle of choice: a mile high, swirling eddy of wind, dust, and pain. An Alpacanado! Unlike regular tornados that only hit trailer parks, an Alpacanado contains highly trained Alpaca commandos. They’ll eject themselves from their Alpacanado with parachutes and gatlin guns, raining down destruction and mayhem everywhere.
Just when we thought the year couldn’t get any worse, in September we will see:
Sentient Dumpster Fires–We know that many things in 2020 have basically become one giant dumpster fire. However, it’s not just one, but a huge number of individual dumpster fires scattered everywhere. But in September these dumpster fires will become self-aware and begin organizing and plotting world domination. And when combined, they will form a gigantic, Flaming Trash Voltron that spells doom for the Earth.
But in October, things get really interesting when we get:
Mecha-Cthulhu–From the deep depths of the ocean, an ancient evil emerges onto our shores. But it isn’t merely the Cthulhu from H.P. Lovecraft’s horror novel. This Cthulhu has been outfitted and upgraded with laser batteries, missile pods, Tonka Truck dozer arms, and vibrating attachments. May Mecha-Cthulhu have mercy on us.
In November, after everything else, the government decides to announce the existence of:
Alien Truckers–We heard on the news that the US Navy confirmed the existence of UFOs. What they didn’t tell us was that the aliens visiting us are really just interstellar truckers who use our planet as a Space Rest Stop and Strip Club. Why do you think Florida has so many UFO sightings? The human race sadly and grudgingly accepts the truth that our home planet is actually the Florida of the galaxy.
December, marking the end of a crazy year, gives us hope that it’s all over. But like every 2 a.m. infomercial, there’s more!
Alcoholic Dragons–What we once thought of as myth and legend, these large, winged reptiles appear and begin scouring the land with fire and vomit. They have an insatiable craving for high end cognac, grocery store brand vodka, and boxed wine. As they drain the world’s precious liquor supplies, and then “drink and fly”, these alcoholic dragons create epic wildfires, and then pass out onto someone’s house. Fire and destruction will be everywhere, but even worse than that, we will be out of alcohol.
This year, 2020, is unlike any we have seen in our lifetimes. Sometimes we just need a little humor (and booze) to get us through each day. What I can tell you is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am a student of history, and the human race has weathered many, and far worse storms than this. Sure, this is serious and unique for our time. But I can tell you that we will get through this. This too shall pass. And when it does, we will all have a new-found appreciation for everything life has to offer. There will be many epic parties.
Just be wary of those Bazooka Beavers.