On UFOs, Close Encounters, and Otters

With the recent reports that the US Navy released footage of UFOs, some feel this confirms the existence of aliens.  I thought I would write a helpful little guide on the subject.  What is a UFO exactly?  What is the UFO conspiracy?  What kinds of close encounters have folks had with aliens that doesn’t involve butt stuff?

Let’s begin.  Back in 1947, a UFO crashed in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico.  The initial reports, which were later retracted, were that the crashed object was a “flying saucer”.  This began the frenzy of UFO sightings.  Ever since, the belief in Men In Black conspiracies and drunk hillbillies recounting tales of late-night, naughty escapades with little green men took American culture by a storm of anal probes.

With the thousands of reports, stories, sightings, and totally reliable (winky face) internet rumors, it can be difficult to make sense of what UFOs, aliens, and these conspiracies are.  And so, I will attempt to explain it in a way that anyone can understand, even if you’ve been drinking what you thought was moonshine, but it instead turned out to be antifreeze mixed with melted crayons.

What is a UFO?  Well, the official definition is Unidentified Flying Object.  But with any good bit of conspiracy and spycraft, misdirection is key.  What if “they” want us to think that UFO means what we think it does, and it means something else entirely?  This could be the entire point of the belief that UFOs are actually interstellar aliens. So, strap on your tinfoil hat as you pilot your black helicopter and plow that thing right into a cloud of shape-shifting lizard people.

An Alternate, and probably true, meaning of UFO:

Ultimate Fighting Otters–During World War II, the US Navy needed a new weapon against the Nazis.  They needed an ultimate aquatic commando to combat German U-Boats, and so they cybernetically enhanced and trained the humble sea otter into a weapon of war.  These UFOs, these Ultimate Fighting Otters, helped turn the tide against Nazi aggression by destroying the Nazi submarine wolfpacks that had wrought such destruction on our Atlantic supply chains. Those otters are unsung heroes.  Today, whenever someone sees a light in the sky, or claims to have been abducted, it was really just the Ultimate Fighting Otters conducting their clandestine missions to keep America safe.

Do I know for sure that UFO means Ultimate Fighting Otters?  Nope.  But we don’t really know that it doesn’t!  Checkmate, People With Logic!

But what about those close encounters with UFOs?  I’m glad I asked.  There are four categories of close encounters.  They are thus:

Close Encounters of the First Kind–This is the proverbial light in the sky.  This is when you’re sitting on your porch at night, having just consumed three cases of Natural Ice, and while gazing upward, you see a light or object moving in the sky.  Your inebriated mind automatically knows this is an alien craft, and totally not a Life Flight helicopter on its way to the local hospital.

Close Encounters of the Second Kind–This is where the UFO leaves behind something physical, like a crop circle in the shape of cosmic nipples. In reality the crop circles are just an alien’s graffiti, marking the occasion that they landed on this backwater planet.  If they could be translated, the alien graffiti that dots our nation’s farmland would say something like, “Zorgax the galaxy’s greatest anus destroyer was here!”

Close Encounters of the Third Kind–This is the encounter where people report seeing the aliens in person.  This encounter can leave an intense mental impression on those who have them.  It can cause some to unconsciously obsess over it, which makes them heap large spoonfuls of mashed potatoes onto their plate, and then carve it into the shape of a penis.  Colloquially, this is known as the Close Encounters of the Tater Dong.

Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind–This is where a human reports being abducted by an alien.  Sometimes the reports of the abductions involve being tested and experimented on.  And others report being taken out to dinner and a movie, or invited to play backgammon over a glass of wine.  Reportedly, a lucky few were taken to Disneyland.

Do UFO sightings and videos mean that we’re not alone in the galaxy?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Until an alien ship lands in front of a large crowd in broad daylight, and Vulcans with tentacle arms come out to shake hands, we don’t know for sure.  But that’s not the point.  What the UFO sightings and the possibility of alien life should be teaching the human race, is that we are the human race.  The. Human. Race.  We may be a planet of around 200 nation states, but we are one race.  We are Earthlings.  We are Terrans.  And with a few douchebags thrown in to mix things up.

If more people thought of us, of humankind this way, then perhaps we could better get past petty squabbles and work together more cohesively.  If this happens, then we could literally aim for the stars.

Also, I think The Ultimate Fighting Otters would make a great name for a 1980s cartoon narrated by Benedict Cumberbatch.

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