An Incredible Madness

Inverness is a small, coastal city in the Scottish Highlands that is known for its breathtaking natural landscapes, an important historical battle, a time-traveling Englishwoman, and a dinosaur who definitely wears a plaid flat cap (probably).

We journeyed by train from Edinburgh to Inverness.  I mention this because the trains in Scotland have something that adds to the unique and quirky charm that makes this country amazing.  If you didn’t know, Scotrail’s trains have an official “Bagpipe Practice Room.”  Don’t believe me?  I brought the photographic evidence.

I wonder if this room is for serious pipers only or if beginners can also use it. I think it’s a great idea.  In fact, public places in America could really use a bagpipe practice room.  It would be an excellent use of our tax dollars if more places had one, such as airplanes, all of five of America’s passenger trains, sporting arenas, shopping malls, the DMV, and libraries.

After arriving at the Inverness train station, we made our way to the Corriegarth Hotel, which is only a short walk* from the city’s downtown core.  The Corriegarth Hotel, as you can see from the picture below, looks and feels just like a cozy, comfortable inn.  And it is.  It’s not just a hotel, but also a pub with a wood-burning fireplace, local Scottish beer on tap, and delicious food. 

*A short walk is officially defined by the Scottish Parliament as the length of two fully unpleated and unrolled highland kilts.  Or about half a mile.

If you’re ever in Inverness the Corriegarth Hotel is a nice place to stay.  Even though the building does look like it could fit into the Harry Potter wizarding world, I can assure you that this place is authentic.  And full of muggles.  However, I don’t know if the hotel toilets are also a secret, magical transport to the Ministry of Magic.  I didn’t try.  I recommend you don’t try either, especially after a night of heavy drinking and curry kababs.

Speaking of heavy drinking, what’s the one thing you can do when visiting a new city to get a unique grasp of its character?  Dive bars and pubs of course!  After a very nice dinner, Lisa and I spent our first night in Inverness at some of this highland city’s local watering holes.  Remember when I said Scotland has a unique and witty humor about them?  Even the signs in front of their pubs did not disappoint.

No hamsters!  You hear that?  Hamsters are not allowed in Scottish pubs!  It’s probably because they shit everywhere.

While walking from our hotel to downtown Inverness we encountered this odd street sign.  I don’t know what a humped pelican is, or why it would be needing to cross, but I’m sure it needed a cigarette.

At a pub in Inverness, we also stumbled upon one of the best names for a beer ever.  It’s called “Sheepshaggers Gold.”  Just look at that sheep’s grin.  It says, “I just got laid.  I was so ba-a-a-a-ad.”  And yes, we each had a pint of this stuff.  It was sheep-shagging delicious.  

The following morning, we were picked up by the tour guide from the company we’d booked, which specializes in showing people all the famous sites that Inverness and the surrounding area have to offer.  For our tour on this chilly morning, we visited the Clava Cairns, the Culloden Moor Battlefield, and Loch Ness.  Our guide for this trip was excellent, knowledgeable, friendly, and accommodating.  And since it’s Scotland, he wore a kilt.  Because kilts are cool. 

The Clava Cairns are ancient, Celtic burial grounds constructed from hundreds or even thousands of stones, laid out in huge circles.  I love history and visiting ancient, historical sites.  But one can’t help not feeling a sense of wonderment that ancient peoples would be motivated to perform this back-breaking labor of chiseling, carving, and moving these heavy stones to create these structures.  The Pyramids of Egypt.  Stonehenge.  The Clava Cairns Burial Grounds.

And they built it all without modern machinery, tools, or even the Commodore 64.  Just imagine what ancient man could have built if they were all on speed.

As an aside, I have no doubt that if our historical ancestors possessed the Apple Macintosh instead of the Commodore 64, they wouldn’t have been able to build anything.  Because they would have been too busy dying of dysentery.  Not from drinking dirty poo water, but from playing Oregon Trail. 

The Clava Cairns are also famous for the standing stones located on the grounds.  They were made famous by the hit show, Outlander.  Our tour guide explained to us that many couples like to take pictures with the stones, posing just like Claire and Jamie.  And I swear, right after he told us, a few people from another tour group arrived to do just that.

I thoroughly inspected the standing stones you see in the photo.  And I can tell you with the utmost confidence, that though they are obviously ancient and possibly mysterious, and with the time travel expertise I gained from watching the Back to the Future Trilogy at least 57 times, that there was no time travel gate found within the Celtic pillars.

As you can see in the photo above, I’m expressing a wee bit of skepticism that this time portal device actually works.  User error perhaps?

After the Clava Cairns we visited the historic Culloden Battlefield.  Our tour guide explained that the walking trails around the battlefield are lined with flags where the two opposing armies had lined up across the moor from each other.  Blue flags for the Scottish Jacobites, and red flags for the British army.  He also walked with us to point out an old stone house that sat in the field between the two armies during the battle.  The house still stands today but has been restored as part of keeping history alive.

Can you imagine what it must’ve been like living in that house when the cannons and muskets started firing?  Some guy may have been out drinking with the lads the night before, only to be rudely awoken from the explosions and bangs of gunpowder weapons giving this local Scotsman the worst hangover in recorded history.

Our tour gave us the free time to leisurely walk the trails and paths of the battlefield, to just take our time and explore.  And when we were ready, he’d take us to Loch Ness and Urquhart Castle. And so, Lisa and I wandered and explored the hallowed ground of the Culloden Battlefield.

After Culloden Battlefield we drove to the shores of Loch Ness.  Our guide took us to a spot he normally takes his guests before venturing to Urquhart Castle.  He pulled the van onto a little road past some houses to a rocky beach area on the shores of the Loch.  There we could walk right to the waters of the famous lake, take in the amazingly beautiful Scottish landscapes while skipping stones and just enjoy the peace and serenity of it all.

In addition to this part of the excursion, our guide had prepared an opportunity for us, if we so chose, to complement this part of our one-of-a-kind experience.  That would be for us to toast each other on the shores of the lake with what they call in Scotland, as per the official Scottish Parliament’s legal definition, a wee dram.*

**A wee dram, defined as anywhere between a thimbleful, to a metric dump truck full.  Defined 1754.

It wasn’t just a sip of Scotch though.  Our guide told us we can use our finger to drip in water right from Loch Ness into our wee drams of whiskey for a one-of-kind experience.  To make this moment even more kick-ass, the notoriously rainy Scottish weather was mysteriously absent on this November day.  Our guide commented on how awesome and weird it was, that on this day, while visiting Loch Ness and sampling the local whiskey infused with its waters, the sun was shining, the wind was still, and the shores of the lake were eerily calm.  Like a mirror.

Remember I said it was a one-of-a-kind experience?  That’s the beauty of travel.  When you travel, you get experiences like I just described, and they can become immortalized in the picture above.

Our final stop of the day was the historical Urquhart Castle.  As you can see from the photo there have been quite a few medieval battles and destructive frat house parties that have occurred there.  I enjoy exploring historical places like this.  And it doesn’t get much better than wandering the ruins of a Scottish castle on the Bonny Bonny Banks of Loch Ness.

The only thing better than exploring this site is possibly getting a glimpse of the lake’s resident dinosaur and Hide and Go Seek Champion for seven hundred years running!

While I stood there marveling at the castle and surrounding lake and hills, I decided to take a quick video.  I’m positive I had the best timing on the planet because not long after hitting the record button, I captured something.  I have no doubt that what I got on video was Nessie herself!

Just watch the video and see for yourself!

The moral of this story is that if you get out of your comfort zone and travel, you just might get to drink Sheepshaggers Gold while hunting for dinosaurs and failing at time travel.